Friday, December 14, 2012

It Could Be Your Voice Too..!!

While I opened my mouth & said that "No Problem and I will do it."Two of those new people started laughing.With What-Kind-of-accent-is-that-LOOK.And I saw that look. I saw that look a lot at lots of people's faces. And So I thought I could write it down here.

When I was in school days, I almost was about to participate in a Inter-School-Competition.I stood next to a girl that sang so loudly that sometimes I plugged my ears. Although,I tried to pretend I just had really itchy ears so she wouldn't take it personally.

Although I had deep interest in school debate and ex-tempore competitions.People  Actually,would appreciate at times and made me the winner and at times have mocked at me that my voice never touched my epiglottitis.I was a quiet singer.I wasn't even really a singer  -- I just thought I could do it better than my sister who really have herself a soothing voice.I do that sometimes.Try for the things at first place and then give up.Anyway, Now,The girl next to me was loud enough for the both of us anyways.What did my voice matter?

Well,one day,our teacher decided every person in the class needed to sing a solo. We would go down each row, and the next person would sing the next line of the song. Crap.I had been too busy "scratching" my ears and folding my sheet music into a fortune teller.  . . . I couldn't sing!!My Song was "HIND DESH KE NIWASI SABHI JAN EK HAI..."!!

We started our activity and everything was flowing smoothly.From the top,row to row,probably around 30 students.I was nervous.Finally,our row was up and the person at the end began a new verse.The megaphone girl sang.Then it was my turn.I sang my part so softly that I'm not sure I even heard myself.The person next to me was drawing in a breath to start their line when...  

My teacher stopped the class.

I was mortified.  

"Swagatika, will you please come down to the front of the class for a second."

I'm so awful that I'm the only person to have to sing again . . . I wish I could die on demand.

I walked to the front of the class thinking she was going to kick me out.I imagined her saying,"It's a tough musical world out there, and some people just can't make it.Not even in a 7th grade competition that is open to any student. . . I think you would be better.... elsewhere.Maybe the band will take you."

She had her arm extended as an invitation for me to come right up next to her.She put her arm around my shoulder and held me tightly facing the entire class.I stared at the carpet in front of me and tried to humor myself be saying the carpet looked like vomit anyways,so I would gladly take my stuff and leave.

I braced myself for all the words and fears I imagined were about to come out of her mouth.  She began to tell the class about the strength of some singers,that some people are naturally gifted with power in their voices,and many people come as natural, magnificent singers.(Except for this young child... My knees were shaking waiting for the final punch line.  C'mon woman,yank off the band-aid a little faster).

"Except others have more gentle and serene voices, and these voices can really unify a choir and make it sound as one. Swagatika,[as she pulls me closer],is probably the quietest person in the whole class.I want to highlight her for a moment to say that even as one of the quietest people, she has one of the strongest voices."
WHAT??  I think I just coughed a little.


My whole life, I have believed myself to have a quiet and low-pitched or may be a creepy voice.  

I don't mean that I speak or sing at a light decibel [Although I guess that is true too].But in a setting where stories, ideas, and opinions are being shared,I am more comfortable as a preacher.I come from a quiet family.My Parents work and come back to home and make dinner and silently eat at the table and then go to sleep silently.Though I pretend to be an extrovert I am a default introvert.

Yet, the inside of my head doesn't seem so quiet.It never has been.I talk with my mom for hours and hours every week, and she's constantly telling me to write all my theories and funny stories out in a book.When I get really comfortable with someone or I'm in my element, I just go -- stories, jokes, thoughts, and people ask, "Why aren't you like this all the time?"
I don't know!!

I've questioned myself about this hundreds of times, trying to psycho-analyze the cause of my suppressions. Do I think my stories aren't as funny? That I don't deliver my thoughts as eloquently?That others have "more powerful" voices than I do?Why don't I have more confidence with my voice? It got started in standard 4,while after holding the mike in my hand the very first line of the ex-tempore competition was "Oh My God, My Voice is gonna shiver." In front of almost 8 school teachers & thousand of those students.And all started laughing at me.That could have been the worst day of my life.But I came over.It's Okay.

Well,Really It's fine.I am over with it.Or may be I have accepted it the way it is.And I am telling you,I am fine with that look,You People.After all It's just a voice of any random person and It could do charms at times.May Be.


  1. I ve heard u sing... n u r quite good at it... :)

  2. And I just read a Not-So-Jazz but Very-Much-swagatika Post today!

    While its quite evident now that you have a strong choice of words...These words do need a strong voice to be conveyed to the listening world

    Again i just wanna write something for you...

    Today I sing
    A lullaby to make a child sleep
    A sonnet to make a heart beat
    A Melancholy cry to make you weep
    A Ballad to make you fall in love

    Today I sing a song
    To let the world know my existence
    Today i sing a song
    To free myself from handcuffs of Silence

  3. Swastik.. Thank You.. It was couple of incidents that happened... Anyway :)

  4. Ankit.. I am so adoring your poem these days..Who does that !! :) Seems like Your Blog has moved to my Comment zone :) Have a nice Day !!