Wednesday, December 9, 2009


While I was in class1, I remember one incident vividly.
May be it's because the kind of occurrence is tautological till now.
And as I’ve been here and now since then I feel like somehow, some of the things are related to that.

That was a Saturday morning. I was practicing some new tantrums to throw upon papa for not going to school. But like everyday I failed to maintain the drift being at school where
Everything was alien to me except the break time. When I returned from the school "Tuka nani"(my childhood caretaker showed me the great discovery of her. Guess what? That was a bird. While that was carried out for the scrumptious meal of the vultures, it fallen over my roof. It was awful. But then again we both tried our best to make it alive. That was so numb. So soft to feel. Each time I was about to touch that, the squinted eyes would scare the hell out of that. Days went and with that my new friend started twittering. Gosh...What an amazing feeling! I ran, from house to house in my colony declaring about my friend. Everybody was so happy! But certainly the biggest fear of losing the bird creeps up into my mind. The next moment i went to the market with papa and bought a beautiful cage to put my dearest bird inside that. And i was visualizing the more days were passing the less was the twittering. The dazzle in her eyes was about to diminish.

I was asking my maid again and again why the bird was not twittering. But she was a dumb. And one day waking up in the afternoon i saw the cage was empty. All hell broke loose. Burning in anger i ran to "Tuka nani" charging her what she has done to the bird.
..."I LET IT GO TO FEEL THE FREEDOM”. She replied calmly. And then i was the dumb crying unnoticedly.There i was standing on the terrace, trying to hear the twittering beyond the horizon. And then i closed my eyes, tried to feel” how it feels...While my lost bird is flying in an open sky".

I'm missing my tuka nani and the bird who taught me "LOVE LIES IN LETTING IT FREE..."


The post thought of a well-done-job which gives me an abstract feeling of joie de vivre and the ultimate sin, is something that completes me. Sounds unscrupulous. But that’s what my self-realisation.ADMIRE it or ABUSE it…I do not know how far it is going along with the conventional path. But that’s the feeling…the feel (one can call it visualization) of SALVATION.

Starting from the memorable it the days of accolades/awards or be it the days of failures, there is a purified “happiness and obsession”. Purified obsession...Yeah.That it is. EUPHEMISM….I must tell you the days when I surrender to my failure accepting it and the same time smiling, congratulating at the victory of my opponents. And I (was and am) sure of it, that there was no ambiguity in those feelings (then and now).I did not find me guilty, when I was reassuring a friend of mine telling her about the skeleton version of those “A FEW GOOD PEOPLE”.I should not have said that I did not blame them. But I am saying,” Yes, I did.” Listen, I poisoned some out of you readers in front of a depressed friend of mine to get out of her some sin. And then again in the next morning when I saw her in the library corridor singing happily “Jeevan Maraa Nahi Karta Hai…”
….HOLD ON! This is the place where I got salvation in those (“Bitching and extolling…bad/good as we people call it”).I would like to say both are amazing. They make me reach the penultimate conscious level of a blank….the place where the soul desires/deserves/denies or feel nothing. It is like the distance between any two points on the perimeter of the circle which seems to be straight. And as the centre demands the point to be with it, it agrees with the radius.

The golden days of helping a blind to cross the road, to visit the orphanage just to spend some quality time, the street in the winter where me and my buddy used to go to see those cute puppies, the father in the church who used to teach us some morals and (then again the silly bickering, disrespect to seniors at some points, denying to accept my gurus seeing some silly mistakes in them, demoralizing anything important)…EVERYTHING…..THE GOOD and THE BAD, hold salvation in the moment, called the “TRANSIT PERIOD”. Call it milliseconds or microseconds of that realization where my consciousness was a constant irrespective of anything in the world. If I can collect those moments all together...I can be the enlightened diva. But then again I’m a variable going along with other variables making rounds and rounds on a circle aiming to be ended up at the point where I’ve started exactly. People bicker over comparing the quality and period of the radius without considering the centre. I am one of them.
But I promise I will get it all free from awards and purgatorial sanctification after my death…!